The Truth About Apple Fans

EDIT: This 2014 article is still as funny as ever, so I decided to update it for the 2024 Apple fan.

Classes on the Internet

In life, people are categorized based on their ethnic and social origins, as well as their political and religious affiliations. Among geeks, these criteria are irrelevant, and the subdivisions of individuals are much funnier. We freely apply numerous labels based on utterly trivial criteria such as the use of an operating system, an attraction to a series, or a console brand. These criteria are always diametrically opposed to the competing system or brand, whose fans inevitably become “their worst enemies.” Thus, you will find endless and pathetic battles in the comments on websites, forums, and social networks, opposing “PC and console players,” “Linux and Windows users,” “Fanboys of This and Fanboys of That”… You get the idea; the list is long.

This folklore of the modern internet provides us with a constant spectacle of hilarious verbal jousts and colorful characters. Speaking of characters, some clearly stand out and deserve our full attention. I’ll start my “anthropo-geek” study by painting a picture of our all-time champion: the Apple fan.

The Apple Fan: Recognizing and Understanding Them

With brushed arm hair, large glasses, the appearance of a senior executive, and a silk scarf, the Apple fan has class and knows it. As a child, he already taunted his classmates with his ten-color pen that could write in orange, purple, and even turquoise blue. Becoming an Apple fan is not something one improvises; it’s a lifestyle belonging to openly haughty individuals who embrace it. Everything is about detail, precision, and bling. Buying Apple means belonging to an elitist group of seasoned technology users who use their own codes and a specific lexicon. For example, the Apple fan does not own a phone; he has an iPhone, which, let’s remember, is the most beautiful concentration of technology ever invented that fits in a pocket. He won’t hesitate to let you know by signing every email with a subtle “Sent from my iPhone” or, for the most radical, “Sent from my iPhone” in English, as they source directly from Fifth Avenue in New York; Fnac is for losers, you know.

Even if he knows nothing about computers, the Apple fan will vigorously assure you that he has the best computer; of course, it’s the most expensive! Thus, like an Apple Macbook Pro M1 at €2500, which feels a bit “small,” the Apple fan will not hesitate for a moment to buy all the network, Wi-Fi, Thunderbolt adapters and subscribe to Apple iCare for the longest possible period, knowing that he will part with it next year for the new model; because he can afford it, and above all, he wants you to know it. The wealthiest among them will even indulge in small luxuries like additional memory; yes, luxury at Apple means 2 GB of RAM for €250.

While the Macbook and iPhone constitute an interesting base, no true Apple fan will settle for just that. No, to be complete, one needs an iPod Nano for Saturday jogging, an Apple Watch to tell time, an iPad to see bigger, an iPad Pro to see even bigger, and finally, an iPad Mini for a reason I still can’t explain; they usually just say it’s an auxiliary version for the wife or kids. The important thing is to have the entire range up-to-date, all the time, and if possible before everyone else. That’s why every year, with the release of a new Apple device, we see the same images from around the world of disillusioned fans queuing in the cold for days to get the new, barely improved version in exclusivity and impress the gallery; well, mostly other fans. Cherry on top, the little Apple sticker included in each bundle ends up on the car’s rear bumper to show belonging to this elite group; you’ve probably seen them; rarely on Citroëns, needless to say.

If he was upset by the connector change brought by Apple with the iPhone 13 because he had bought the adapter for his home cinema, car, and an overpriced Bose audio dock, the Apple fan is not vindictive and admits the enormous evolution of the new, much thinner connector. Yes, because even hidden behind the furniture, a classier cable matters. The level of submission of the Apple fan has only increased since the iPhone’s release in 2007, and we observe a worrying hardening of the fanaticism towards the brand, undoubtedly linked to this new pocket-sized device that intrudes into his life, monopolizing the smallest details of his daily routine. The Apple fan, more intelligent than average, is well aware of constantly transmitting his GPS positions, fingerprints, and all his consumer habits to organizations with unclear motivations. This doesn’t bother him; on the contrary, it reassures him to know that Apple blocks, for example, pornographic applications or those related to gambling; yes, the Apple fan sometimes plays the prude.

The most surprising part is yet to come; the Apple fan seems to develop a Stockholm syndrome towards the brand that imprisons him in all his choices. Affection quickly turns into love, and love becomes adoration for these armies of fans who then feel the need to indulge in excessive proselytism. So convinced of making the best choice and its importance, they feel invested with a crucial mission to convert everyone to the brand and contradict anyone who dares to express a different opinion on sites, forums, and social networks.

Since the death of Steve Jobs, the greatest genius of our time, adoration has even turned into a form of deviant spirituality. The fan will not hesitate to meditate, if necessary, in front of his biography prominently displayed on a living room shelf to find comfort in this period of doubt and uncertainty regarding Tim Cook’s ability to follow the path laid out by Steve Jobs.

You Are Just Assholes

If these strange behaviors are intriguing, refrain from making any comments to a fan… Because if you dare to criticize his choices, it means you’re either too stupid to understand the brand’s genius or too poor to afford it. In either case, you disgust him and will only reap contempt from him. Consider yourself warned.

The Apple fan, an essential element of the internet, is a complex, funny, touching character, though often excessive. I hope that through my analysis, you have learned more about the character’s specifics, origin, and motivations.

If you know any or recognize yourself in all this, don’t hesitate to contact me to share your experiences, testimonies, and funny anecdotes.

Feel free to share my article with your loved ones and on social networks if you enjoyed it; thank you in advance.

See you soon on Tech To Geek.